Monday, February 1, 2010
Obama and his Mama
The day of when the Constellations are going to die. Obama and his Mama is on a journey to find the healing apple. The healing apple in on the other side of the universe. The reason that all of the Constellations are dying is because the Great rhino is eating all of them, and his mouth is a black hole. The Rhino is about a day behind us to get the healing apple. So Obama and his Mama is going to go light speed, until the rhino killed his mama, Before Obama could get away the rhino ate his mama. So Obama knew that he had to kill the Rhino. When Obama had the chance he cut his mouth so he black hole mouth disappeared. So the Rhino is in a coma and he won’t wake up for a long time. So Obama had to find the apple to save the constellations and to save his Mama. So Obama went light speed and went to the apple. But when he got there it was not there. So he asked around and some dude said that it was taken by the apple one to be destroyed. But when the apple one took it and he left a trail. So Obama Followed it and he found it near the planet earth. But when he found it the Rhino was right by it, so Obama was going light speed and he was right next to the apple. Right when he was going to touch it the Rhino shot out a stun cannon and stunned Obama. But Obama was already touching it and he saved the Constellations and his Mama. When he found the Rhino he was dead and he will never be back to have revenge. So Obama and his Mama was put in constellation next to his Mama. It looks like a stick body holding hands with his stick figure Mama. You can find the constellation at were the twins are. It is not seasonal and it stays in one place all of the time, so it does not move. The best star that is in it is a red Giant, and the star is in the foot on Obama’s mama. Obama and his Mama stayed in the sky forever and ever.
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Your essay is quite interesting. One of your writing goals is proofread better. Something’s you can quickly change is the great Rhino. Great also needs to be capitalized; also the sentence "The Rhino is about a day behind us to get the healing apple," who's us? You were talking in third person, then you change to first person. This sentence also doesn't make sense. " When Obama had the chance he cut his mouth so he black hole mouth disappeared." Also when writing a essay try to stay away from the word "dude". You used So Obama, and Obama and his mama a lot. The "twins" are the Gemini twins. Your second last sentence, you can relate to the North Star. Sorry for being so mean and listing all of the negatives. It's just constructive criticism.
ReplyDeleteI do love the title. My suggestion is to break this story into paragraphs for a smoother read.
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